I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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