Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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