I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
