I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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