Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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