Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
