Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
