I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
