Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
