So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Randomize
