She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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