am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
