I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
