her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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