took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
barbara walters just said penis...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
40s are totally the cure
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
