My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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