You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
