Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just found a bag of teeth...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
