I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
