HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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