She said her name was "party"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
