we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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