I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
