Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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