I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
