Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
