And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
