i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
