don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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