i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
