he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
