Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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