So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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