JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
