it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
how does that bad decision feel?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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