My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
