it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
