I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i came on her dog
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
