I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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