My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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