he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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