My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
