You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
