so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
