Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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