i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
