Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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