My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
