Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
