im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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