There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
