It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
