I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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