If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
