Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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