I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
