how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
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I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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