I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
