Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
