You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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