why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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