I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
