I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
