Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
